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so, i find myself at home. what a strange concept as i have not been to wisconsin in almost eleven months. i cannot believe that i have been gone that long, but then again, it is strange to be back where things are familiar yet not the same. this place was never my true home, but i know in my heart that wherever my family seems to hang their hang that is where i belong.
... now that i am here for this week-long trip, i find myself loving the old things that matter. it has been the best trip so far, and it is only half over. there has been football, home cooked food, shopping, chilis chips and salsa, game nights, football, m&ms, movies. what else could a girl what?
but it seems that things like this make me remember. it makes me think of the girl i used to be, and the person that i have now become. last night i found myself on the floor in my bedroom looking through old scrapbooks that i had. i have so many from the college years, that in part it seems so long again. but once the pictures sparked the memories, it seemed like yesterday.
it seemed like i was just last night going out for a wendy's frosty run in my pajamas or playing settlers of catan until two in the morning. it seems like we were just taking friday night starbucks runs and watching movies on brown for shipwreck day. it seems like elliv and j/s weekends out of town were not long ago.
i fear that i had forgotten those memories and all that college was for me. part of those memories may have been blocked out because after you graduate the memories cannot be recreated. i remember the day i said goodbye to each one of the girls that i love, and in my heart i knew that things were going to change. but i never thought that things would be never be as they were.
i dont know how to create a new relationship with them if all we know is to be together. it has been a year and a half since i lost them to the real world. and it seems that they are all growing up and getting married and buying houses. it seems that i dont know how to get them back.
i find my heart missing them more and more lately.
it seems that i forget that every time i come home or take a break from the crazy-busy life that i have built for myself, i remember some of the pieces that are gone and how some of them i want back.
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| the only moment is now. thats all i am guarenteed - simply the one breath that i am breathing. so, that means i can take advantage of what is in my grasp. so, i am doing the best i can. i am making sure my attitdue is in perspective, and i am just doing it. leaving it all on the line. so every now and then, that means getting support and then giving it back. the last two weeks have been all about the love. it has been about getting in the fall spirit with my girls... it was soooo good to spend time with family. i am blessed to have people in my life that i can truly be myself around. 
no gimics, no games. just honesty and truth. the fact that aunt lori and i can stay up talking until two-thirty in the morning is something not everyone has. i count myself lucky to be able to receive such love. 
i am so glad i get to give that love back to those girls - they make me smile. and laugh. i love their hugs. i love being silly with them.  
and i also love suprises - which is where good ole friendships come into action. he was one of my first friends in cincinnati - one that could show me the town. now he embraced another town - good ole knoxville - and i loved being able to suprise him on his birthday. which, no matter what he says, he really was suprised. 
how lucky to be able to pick up right where you left off in a friendship? that key is rare. it was nice to be able to have a few months seperate our visits, and still to see each other like no time has lapsed. so we were able to spend a good halloween weekend watching "paranormal activity" and drink pumpkin spice coffee; enjoy the roseanne halloween marathon, which speaks to the core of our friendship; and on top of all that for the first time to delve into the classic "the shining." whew, talk about spooky! but in all of that life changes and throws you suprises. actions come and go, moments happen. sometimes there are wounds that just wont heal. sometimes they fade in and out pretending to be whole, but instead crack open under the pressure. but i have come to terms with the fact that i only have one chance to make this life my own. and that means i have to go into battle, and get the wounds. because eventually that wound will just be a scar - which is proof that i am fighting to be in this. it is proof that i am a fighter. "... because i've kept my heart under control; but lately all this time its taken its toll;
said i tried to but i can't hold back what's deep in my soul;
so darling please forgive me, i want you and you just have to know..." [ parachute - under control ] you never know a good thing till its gone. you never see a crash until its head on. but because i am a fighter, i know that means i am strong enough to survive.
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| i have recently found that pain comes from the harsh disconnect of what the reality is and what you really want. when those two pieces dont fit together in unison, the gap creates a barrier in your heart. this turns to an undescribable pain, that no doubt looks differant for each person. it means a variety of things for me. it comes in a lot of differant forms. it has a lot of shades. its not an easy answer, its not a black and white equation. its matter of the heart, which usually means its messy. i dont believe the solution is clear or simple. i dont believe there is a stockpile quota that i can pull from to make the feelings go away, or to cause the pain to escape me. its everything and nothing. its together and apart. its simple and complex. its something that i need to figure out how to paste together. in the meantime, in between the moments of chaos, i should just remember how to breathe. // there is not one person i know of who you let close enough to hurt you; her big problem is that you really liked her, but nor matter what she did or how hard she tried, you were never going to let your guard down; that poor girl never stood a chance // | | |
| "... every rose has its thorn, just like every night has its dawn; just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song, every rose has its thorn..." all i have ever said is that i wanted to live in the moment. i wanted to stand in my blessings and be grateful. i wanted to be in the midst of stomething great and appreciate that moment for what it is. i wanted to know that things could be sweet, for such a time as this. but now the sun has set, and the day has turned to darkness. and that moment has passed. the sunshine has ended i have to learn how to cope. i have to learn that these moments of which i was so fond are gone. and will never come again. __________ "... when you try your best but you don't succeed. when you get what you want but not what you need
when you feel so tired but you can't sleep, stuck in reverse;
snd the tears come streaming down your face , when you lose something you can't replace
when you love someone but it goes to waste, could it be worse;
lights will guide you home snd ignite your bones and i will try to fix you
and high up above earth or down below when you're too in love to let it go;
but if you never try you'll never know just what you're worth
lights will guide you home snd ignite your bones and i will try to fix you
tears stream, down your face, when you lose something you cannot replace
tears stream down your face and i...
lights will guide you home snd ignite your bones and i will try to fix you..." [ "fix you" by coldplay ]
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|  | Currently
Stepmom
By Julia Roberts, Susan Sarandon, Ed Harris, Jena Malone, Liam Aiken
see related |
i cant believe its fall. but the season is changing once again, and as always, the seasons in life follow suit. i love being outside with a light breeze, i love seeing the leaves start to turn. i love the scents that come along with fall... the pumpkin spice in the air, the subtle warm vanilla essence. then there are the foods.... the hot apple cider, the pumpkin pie, the halloween oreos. there has always been something special that stirs in my heart when fall comes for those precious few weeks. that is the only problem with fall - you only have a short time to enjoy its full potential. the opportunity does linger. you have to seize the moment, embrace the afternoon. you have to take what you have a run because then the leaves will fall, the weather will turn cold, and winter will be upon us. and in one blink we lost it all. such is with any moment in life. with any path that we choose. and with all that i have seen, and with all that i have learned... i step back to realize how lucky i am. how blessed i feel, and how i wont let these moments pass me by. __________ "... sometimes we fall down and can’t get back up, we’re hiding behind skin that’s too tough;
how come we don’t say I love you enough till it’s to late, it’s not too late;
our hearts are hungry for a food that won’t come, we could make a feast from these crumbs
and we’re all staring down the barrel of a gun so if your life flashed before you,
what would you wish you would’ve done
yeah… gotta start lookin at the hand of the time we’ve been given here,
this is all we got and we gotta start pickin it, every second counts on a clock that’s tickin’,
gotta live like we’re dying... we only got 86 400 seconds in a day to
turn it all around or throw it all away, we gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em
while we got the chance to say, gotta live like we’re dying
and if your plane fell out of the skies, who would you call with your last goodbyes;
should be so careful who we live out our lives so when we long for absolution
there’ll be no one on the line
yeah… gotta start lookin at the hand of the time we’ve been given here,
this is all we got and we gotta start pickin it, every second counts on a clock that’s tickin’,
gotta live like we’re dying... we only got 86 400 seconds in a day to
turn it all around or throw it all away, we gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em
while we got the chance to say, gotta live like we’re dying..." [ "live like we're dying" by the script ] | | |
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