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| the holiday season approached entirely too quickly to describe. it seemed that after i got caught with the flu bug and tested positive for strep throat, by the time i got better the time was upon us. the snow was starting to fall outside, the carolers were singing at the mall, the christmas tree was lit with the presents underneath, and the time had come.
i have found memories of christmas in the past, of time with family both near and far. this holiday season was no different because of the many miles that i traveled to see those that i love. i spent some time before the holidays with those close to me in cincinnati, going to the crossroads christmas production and opening presents, which turned out to be some of my favorites - colts gear.
then it was off to indiana to see the girls and stay up late with aunt lori for some serious girl talk. those are my favorite times, being with sarah who still enjoys the simple idea of santa clause. all she does is believe that he is coming, sets out cookies and milks and waits in anticipation as the night crawls slowly by. i love watching her face on christmas morning when she finds a note from santa under the tree, and she knows in her heart it is from him. the simple faith of a child - a notion that i share when i look at the reason for the holiday cheer and the birth of our savior.
this christmas eve was no different in going to watch the girls in the christmas pageant and then go to the open door service where we light a candle in remembrance of those not with us. it is always a family tradition to light a candle for mamma, the one rock of the family who is no longer with us. she is always spending the holidays with us, even if it means me going to the cemetery and look at the freshly placed cooper flowers on her stone. in some way, her spirit still guides us in our times together, and that is always a comforting thought.
and then early christmas morning it is off to illinois for the other side of the family - the large twenty something get together of children running around, sitting at a large table with too much food, and swinging at the pinata set up in the garage. its always a crazy time when you have nine children under the age of ten, but it keeps the christmas spirit in the air.
then it is finally a trip home - my last. this is the last christmas in wisconsin before the family move to chicago, and so there is something special about this last night in this house, in this room. its the last night we are together in this house, and then the excitement peaks. there will be a new stage when we are all together, but now this book has closed. this christmas is over, and the snowy days of wisconsin are past.
now i look to going back to cincinnati, a place that i call home. a place where hope fills the air and possibilities are endless. the path in front of me looks glorious and clear, and i cannot imagine what can be around the corner next. all i know is that i am taking these chances, these moments and not taking them for granted. i am embracing them for all that they are, for they may never come again.
and i embrace them, for they are full of opportunity and joy.
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| it has been many a weeks since i have last cried. now, for a normal person this may seem like something crazy to admit, but for me, it seems that it comes in waves. a release of the heart. and time for my emotions to calm themselves. i dont mind crying, and dont think that it is weird that i can do it at the drop of a hat. because it has been a little while, i knew that i was on the verge. i knew that i was coming up on some times where tears would be shed, whether for good or bad reason. and just as suspected this week, the tears came in a shocking form. they can without warning, and started ever so slightly. another reason that i am not shocked by this occurence is because i have always known that i am a feeler. i am someone who feels very deeply, and lives to the core with passion and truth. i fight for my emotions, and i battle with my heart. good, bad or indifferant that is the way that i was built - build with my heart out on my sleeve, out for the world to see, and vulnerable at a moments notice. everyone can have an argument for whether they believe this tactic is right or wrong. but for me, its all i know. its the only way i know how to live. maybe that means i have to take more chances, or maybe that means i live on the edge more than the next person. maybe that means i will get hurt more than a normal heart should be bruised. but maybe that also means i will love deeper, live fuller and taste the sweet nectar of life in a richer way. the good and the bad come hand in hand with any other these decisions, and as i reflect on what they mean for me, i realize that i am a pot, open for the molding. i am willing to risk, ready to fly. my heart is open, out on my sleeve. i am waiting for that kindred moment when another heart touches mine to say it will be alright. in the meantime, i leave my heart out on my sleeve, waiting to see what happens next. because if there is one thing i know that is certain in this life, other than death and taxes, is the simple knowledge that nothing great in life never came without taking a little bit of a risk. | | |
| i used to think that i hated change. i was one of those people that would stomp my feet and say that i loved that things were the same and controllable, predictable. i could find an ease in that pattern. but over time i have realized how much exiliration i find in new things, in breaking the mold. i didnt realize how much i was missing before i took a step outside the box. i love taking time to give thanks, to be grateful. to understand the journey i am on as a whole and the growth that comes from change, from chances. i find that the lord has seen me through a lot of differant moments, both good and bad, and in the end he is still standing by my side as he is a faithful father. i am grateful for the chance to go and live, to make mistakes and to learn. i am grateful for living life in an unpredicatble manner, that doesnt always follow the path that i supposed it would. i love taking risks, and taking chances, and seeing where end up. i am glad that i can risk something for its just and right cause. and as i continue on this path i realize that some choices are not the just and right cause that i had hoped for, but sometimes i see the world in rose colored glasses. over time, i shed pieces of those glasses to form a new picture of the realities in the world, and over time i am growing and becoming the woman that the lord would have me be. 
in all of these moments, i have family here to support me. ones that let me be me, with all the tears, the stories. with all the pieces that are me, they simply look and say okay. for that i am also blessed. 
it seems that traditionally, thanksgiving has been a time of tears for me because i am always going through some period of growth. in differant relationships and friendships that i have, it seems they are always stretching and growing through this time. so, i spend time going home, finding my roots and becoming a little more centered than when i left. 
now, as i move forward into the holiday season and countown the next twenty-three days of christmas, i want to live on the edge. i want to journey forward and enjoy these moments that will never come again. i want to take a chance, and i want to shine the light of the savior onto those i see. i want to be the woman i know i can be. sometimes i just need a little extra push to get there. | | |
| well i have found my way back to cincinnati. a place that i can truly call home. it has become familiar to me, something that i can cling to. that is rare for a person who has been a drifter, a mover and shaker. as i said goodbye on the doorstep, i remember that family, home and love are not bound to a location. its a presence. its a breath. its where we are, together, in that moment. and in those moments together, we are a family bound by love. 
and this weekend, we were a family bound by gratefulness because our beloved bryan michael was brought back to us safely from afghanistan. so, in honor of this, we decided to have a little homecoming party. it was so good to be able to take time to congratulate him on his accomplishments, promotions and just love on him since he has been away. 
it was so good to be able to celebrate him as our hero, and have the mayor of rossville pronounce that november 14th is bryan porter day. how exciting! now we have a celebrity in the family... i am honored to have him in the family and represent us well. it was so good to see him and hug him, to know that he is safe and with us again. 
so it was one big ole party, dancing and music, food and fellowship. the whole family was able to come together and there were tons of babies to hold, stories to share and laughs to be had. i have to say my favorite babe to hold is miss payton. she is just a big ole bundle of adorable-ness. 
and there is something to be said for us being together, because as we are all spread in differant states, differant countries, and crazy lives, it is nice to come back together again. to realize that we are all growing and expanding, having our own lives and our own families. it is unbelievable for me to think that we are all so grown up, but its the truth. 
bryan and i arent small enough to both fit into the recliner and each cherrios in the morning at gram and pops house. but i will have those memories with me, the ones of all of us together, and hopefully those good thoughts will help carry him (and us) through. but now, the party is over, the lights are turned off, and the real world is back to me. i am back in the 'nati ready for head back to work and plow down before the holidays. the season is upon which fills my heart with hope and happiness. in my life, things seem to be alright with me. i am looking forward, head held high and a smile on my face, thinking of possibilities and embracing the days i have. and that is alright with me. // don't need no five star reservations, i've got spaghetti and a cheap bottle of wine;
don't need no concert in the city, i've got a stereo and the best of patsy cline;
ain't got no caviar no dom perignon, but as far as i can see, i've got everything i want
cause i've got a roof over my head, the woman I love laying in my bed
and it's alright, alright; i've got shoes under my feet
forever in her eyes staring back at me, and it's alright, alright
and I've got all I need, and it's alright by me // [ darius rucker, "alright" ]
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so, i find myself at home. what a strange concept as i have not been to wisconsin in almost eleven months. i cannot believe that i have been gone that long, but then again, it is strange to be back where things are familiar yet not the same. this place was never my true home, but i know in my heart that wherever my family seems to hang their hang that is where i belong.
... now that i am here for this week-long trip, i find myself loving the old things that matter. it has been the best trip so far, and it is only half over. there has been football, home cooked food, shopping, chilis chips and salsa, game nights, football, m&ms, movies. what else could a girl what?
but it seems that things like this make me remember. it makes me think of the girl i used to be, and the person that i have now become. last night i found myself on the floor in my bedroom looking through old scrapbooks that i had. i have so many from the college years, that in part it seems so long again. but once the pictures sparked the memories, it seemed like yesterday.
it seemed like i was just last night going out for a wendy's frosty run in my pajamas or playing settlers of catan until two in the morning. it seems like we were just taking friday night starbucks runs and watching movies on brown for shipwreck day. it seems like elliv and j/s weekends out of town were not long ago.
i fear that i had forgotten those memories and all that college was for me. part of those memories may have been blocked out because after you graduate the memories cannot be recreated. i remember the day i said goodbye to each one of the girls that i love, and in my heart i knew that things were going to change. but i never thought that things would be never be as they were.
i dont know how to create a new relationship with them if all we know is to be together. it has been a year and a half since i lost them to the real world. and it seems that they are all growing up and getting married and buying houses. it seems that i dont know how to get them back.
i find my heart missing them more and more lately.
it seems that i forget that every time i come home or take a break from the crazy-busy life that i have built for myself, i remember some of the pieces that are gone and how some of them i want back.
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